How do you feel about boundaries? Many of us get a shaky feeling when we think of setting boundaries, such as saying no when we want to say no, or not taking abuse, or not letting someone run over us.
Why might we feel shaky? Because many of us have not had healthy role models around boundary setting. Maybe our parents we also scared about conflict, or were not able to demonstrate a healthy way of living with respect to boundaries, whether at home, at work or in any area of life.
Now there are some people who know how to set healthy boundaries. It always impresses me and makes me a tad jealous when I see someone say a clear “no” when they mean no, or clearly state their needs or preferences.
And then there are some who, do to fear or past wounds, set up walls or moats with alligators around themselves. They got hurt, and they are not going to get hurt again. But this is out of balance. When we put up thick, unyielding, impenetrable walls, our heart can harden and we do not allow love in, or healthy social interactions.
So, where is the balance? Part of the answer is learning to trust ourself and value ourself. If we can remain present, there is an innate, intuitive part of us that knows who we can trust, or when to step back, or speak up. As we heal old wounds, we begin to show up more fully and functionally in our life, for ourself but also for our friends, family, children, etc.
When I was in my 30s, I did a research paper on the theories of nonviolence of both Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. A year or so later, I was doing human rights work in Guatemala when I got a chance to practice this theory of nonviolence, at least as I understood it.
I was hiking in the rural area above the town where I was working, and a couple big farm dogs saw me and came charging across the field, barking, protecting their turf. I took a breath, thinking, “What would Gandhi do?” I decided the dogs would see me as no threat if I just stayed calm and did not fight back. One of the dogs—probably surprised that I put up no resistance–took a big bite into my leg. I had to go to a clinic to clean it out, and even go back up to the dog owners to see if it might have rabies.
I still have a little hole in my leg, a scar to think about that experience, and I feel silly. That dog was not interested in Gandhi’s theories. He was protecting his farm and family. What good did I do by not yelling at the dog, defending myself, maybe throwing a stick at the dog (I since learned that in many countries, all you have to do is bend down as if you are grabbing a stone to throw and that scares them off. I’ve used the tactic many times now!).
How about you? Have you ever been a doormat? Have you been in an abusive relationship, and allowed yourself—or someone else–to be mistreated? What role does fear play in this?
When I was studying spirituality at India’s Oneness University, they taught pragmatism and balance. The monks would say, “Yes, we’re all one, at the deepest level. But if someone breaks into your house, call 911!”
I think some of us get misguided by well meaning spiritual studies, New Age teachings, or even yoga (ahimsa=nonviolence). It’s kind of an easy way out: we see us all as “one” and sidestep the messy work of setting boundaries or defending ourself or others.
We also see this played out globally and politically. And there is tremendous programing around this, which is another reason we might feel shaky around this whole conversation. With the stated goal of helping the less fortunate, we may do more harm than good. It’s called codependence. A current example is the idea of national sovereignty and borders. All over Europe and the United States, there are battles over how to handle this.
Of course, we get more insight into this situation only when we recognize the spiritual war going on right now, or really the one that has been going on for centuries, but currently heating up. Indeed there is good and evil, which means there is a war, which means “evil” is attacking “good.” In other words, if you are under attack, you damn well better a) recognize you are under attack, and b) do something about it!
I have asked friends, “What would you do if you received clear and credible information that someone wanted to harm or kill your beloved friend, husband or wife?” It always amazes me how many people cannot answer this question. I have heard, “Oh, that’s hypothetical; Its not real ….” I repeat the question, “What would you do?” Again, they hudge and fudge and have the hardest time saying the obvious, “I would defend my wife. I would warn her. I would call the police …” There are many options, but it’s really not a hard question is it?
Again, where’s the balance? Well, again, some of it is obvious. With regards to borders, while we can dream about the day when we can tear down all the borders and sing kumbaya, that day has not yet arrived. A healthy nation vets the people who are seeking entry, just as you would want to know the person you let into your home. Duh. What is their history? What are their intentions? Will they contribute to helping us build and maintain a healthy, thriving nation? Are they escaping violence, or creating violence? How do we hold them accountable to any agreements made upon entry?
Let’s return to the spiritual side of things. Didn’t Jesus say “turn the other cheek”? In Matthew 5:38-40 Jesus says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.” Each of us has to discern for themselves what this means. Of course, we can start with asking if indeed Jesus said this, and then, what did he mean?
Of course, Jesus himself allowed himself to be tortured and hung from a cross–although some would say he had a unique and mighty purpose for allowing himself to be sacrificed.
So maybe this is not so simple, is it? Some may say, “There is no good and evil. We are all one. I must love each and everyone.” Others may say, “Oh yeah, there is evil in the world, and it wants us afraid, depressed, or dead. I am going to be a spiritual warrior in this world and defend my friends and family.”
Again, where is the balance in this? I wonder if there is truth in both of the above statements. Oneness is the ultimate reality. But in this fallen world, there is chaos and evil. There are people we cannot trust (sometimes we are the one who cannot be trusted!). We can pray for evil people. We can always see their essence. But we can also see the danger. Jesus called some of them blind guides, vipers, hypocrites and more.
Our world has gone woke, and part of this includes making truth relative. We get blurry, unclear and unsafe around boundaries. We let our children be taught sexuality in 2nd grade, or we let 5 year olds decide to have life altering mutilation of their sexual organs. We practice misguided “tolerance” of deviant behavior while being intolerant of those who demand truth and healthy boundaries. We make masks and experimental vaccines mandatory, a clear overstep of boundaries and bodily autonomy.
I suppose that, on a practical level, once we begin to let go of fear, when we trust ourself, set appropriate boundaries, stop being a doormat, it’s like those electric or invisible fences. The cow or other animal knows not to cross that line. People—or the devil–stop messing with us as much, or at least retreat to regroup and ponder other tactics.
Each of us can start by doing the inner work. How accountable are we? Do I set healthy boundaries? How is my self awareness and situational awareness?
Again, as we do the inner work of purging, healing old trauma, clearing old fear and programing, we become more awake, conscious, and functional citizens. We learn to trust our inner compass and become more able to respond appropriately to this messy thing called life on earth.
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